Game of Facebook
by Sapphire Scarab
Summary: What happens when The Zuckerberg God introduces a little 21st century technology to the people of Westeros, via Facebook? This farcical fiasco strives to answer that question in the most humorous of ways. The cast includes all or most from Season 1.
1. Prologue

Prologue

Nobody knew who created such an extraordinary invention or why the mighty gift called "Facebook" was bestowed upon the people of Westeros. They argued over who was responsible. The kids believed it was the Facebook Fairy, the adults thanked the Old Gods and some thanked the New.

Each citizen of Westeros was given a personal computer, a laptop to call their own. One day they just dropped out of the sky with their names engraved on them - literally! There was no internet on the computers, or any other feature of the modern laptop. Their only option was to play on Facebook. It was their homepage and couldn't be changed. The Zuckerberg God made sure of this.

When their laptops were opened, an instructional video played, explaining how to use Facebook. Zuckerberg narrated the video and called himself "The Zuckerberg God" for kicks and giggles. He'd always thought highly of himself and what talents he was capable of so heck…why not be revered as a god in a mythical land? Sounded good to him!

After watching the video on their laptops, everyone was just like, WTF. The most advanced piece of technology in Westeros was…well shit, they had none! So as you can imagine, Facebook, the entire concept of a virtual world and the computer itself seemed alien and godlike to them. It was something to be revered.

But as the weeks went by, people got used to this new technology. They liked it and used it so much, that like most 21st century fools, they became addicted. They started spending almost all of their waking hours on Facebook, even into the wee hours of the night when sleep should have taken them. It was becoming a major hindrance to daily life and got in the way of people doing their chores. But, as cultural epidemics go, Facebook sure was a fun one!

* * *

**Author's note: I'm sitting here at 1:35 in the morning writing this silly little thing. Will only continue if I get reviews, because it might be so stupid that it scares people away from reading it. Ha!**


	2. Tap tap tap, poke poke poke

Tap tap tap, poke poke poke

3 weeks had passed since the mighty Zuckerberg God gifted Facebook to the people of Westeros (and beyond). During the 2nd week, he also gifted them with digital cameras, so they could take photographs of themselves and post them on Facebook. Most had gotten used to (and were even addicted to) these "alien" devices by now. But as always in life, there remained a few exceptions.

Somewhere in the desert…

"Zuck Gah?"

"No, my sun and stars. It is pronounced: _Zuckerberg God._ He is the one who gifted us with Facebook."

"Zuck-kah-bah Gah?"

Daenerys sighed.

_Remember Dany, he's still learning to speak English. If you lose your temper with him, as punishment he'll probably tear your clit off with his teeth, so just…keep…being…patient._

When Daenerys looked back up at Khal Drogo, a brand new phony smiled had replaced her frown. Drogo put an end to pronunciation lessons by asking a new question in his usual gruff and husky voice.

"Moon of my life. How to open?"

Drogo picked up his laptop and shook it side to side. He examined every shiny black key and poked the screen with his forefinger.

_Tap, tap, tap._

The sound reminded Daenerys of the way he fucked her. _Tap, tap, tap._ No romance. Although with Drogo it was more like: _thud, boom, bang!_

A painful shudder crept up Dany's cooter then. The memories of losing her virginity were still too fresh in her mind. Drogo had split her open like a damn animal on that 1st night. His massive member tearing her insides like a wolf tearing the flesh of a carcass.

_Tap, tap, tap._

"Here, let me show you."

Daenerys reached for Drogo's laptop but instead of giving it to her, Drogo dropped it in the sand. He grabbed her arm and waited until she looked into his eyes. She could tell by the rapist-y expression on his face that it was _thud, boom, bang!_ time. And she was NOT looking forward to it.

"My darling," she pleaded, trying to pull away. "May I show you how to use Facebook first? Please…it will only take a second."

Drogo seemed annoyed but he finally let go of her arm.

"Show fast," he grumbled.

_This is your motto for everything in life, isn't it? Especially sex,_ she thought begrudgingly.

Dany opened the laptop and pressed the "on" button. It took a minute to warm up and then the Facebook website appeared on screen. Her eyes grew wide then, afraid of how long it would take before Drogo tired of listening to her talk. She typed in the email and password that were assigned to him and logged into his account.

"Look here, my love. Do you see where it says your name in the top right-hand corner?"

"Khal Drogo."

"Yes. Yes, I know Khal Drogo is your name. Do you see where it says so on Facebook?" She pointed it out for him.

Drogo stared at her finger but said nothing. Daenerys took that as a positive sign and continued.

"So, all you must do is click on your name, and then you are taken to your profile page. From there you may add photos of yourself, create a status update, fill out your information, add your likes or-"

"Likes?" Drogo interrupted.

"Yes, that's right my dear. I can help you to update your profile. What are your likes?"

Drogo didn't even hesitate. "Like to _fuck."_

"Oh, yes. Of course you do."

Daenerys rolled her eyes and put "human sexual behavior" as the 1st of Drogo's interests.

"Anything else?"

"Rape."

Eyes narrowing, Daenerys attempted to update something else.

"Why don't we just start with something simple, like adding to your friends list? It says here that you haven't added anyone yet. Allow me to-"

"No." Drogo's huge banana hand came right at Dany and covered her entire face.

"What are you doing!?" she asked in irritation, trying to remove one massive finger at a time. They felt like hairy tarantula sausages and smelled no better!

"Forget." He pointed to Facebook and moved his hand so she could see what he meant.

"You want me to forget about your profile? But Dro - but my darling, we've only just begun!"

"Time for _fuck_."

"By the Gods! Why are you always so horny? Do you think of nothing else…_ever?_"

Before she could say anything else, Drogo closed his computer and tossed it aside, ignoring her questions. Instead he grabbed a squirming Daenerys and ripped her undergarments off. Flipping her onto her hands and knees and removing his own clothes.

She was about to complain but it only took 5 hard thrusts, pumps and grunts. Then it was over.

Daenerys's cooter had once again been ripped open by the mighty stallion. In a way, she was almost glad he was a 1-minute man. If he'd taken his sweet time, she would probably be dead by now.

She looked up and only now did she realize that she had an audience. Drogo's entire Dothraki horde had been watching their little sexcapade, staring like the slack-jawed, perverted barbarians they all were.

"Get out, get out of here now! I am your Khaleesi and I _command_ it. Some privacy, if you please!" She attempted to hide her bare bosom by cupping her hands over them, as the perverts slinked away…slowly.

After they'd gone, Daenerys leaned into Khal Drogo, eyes closed and lips puckered for a kiss. If they were going to fuck like this every day, she (at the very least) thought she deserved a few moments of romance.

"No," he said, and pushed her over.

"Hey!"

Sand clung to her silvery blonde hair as she sat back up and crossed her arms indignantly. Drogo was already walking away, sand stuck to his ass cheeks as he stomped off.

"I swear, one of these days I'm going to gag that primitive brute with his own thick braid in his sleep."

Drogo turned back for a moment, his eyes asking: _WTF did you just say to me?_

"I love you, my sun and stars!" Dany waved in mock excitement to him as she stood to her feet and got the hell out of there.

Later that evening, Daenerys limped back to her sleeping quarters and thanked the Gods her horny husband wasn't in there waiting for Round 2.

"Ouch, ouch, ouch!" she grumbled as she sat down on a pillow. She placed it between her thighs and lay on her side. Her laptop was just a few inches away so she reached for it and turned it on.

"Ah, Facebook time," she cooed to herself, feeling relaxed and happy already. This computer had become the best stress-reliever in Dany's new world.

As she logged into her account, she noticed there were few updates, as she only had 3 people on her friends list: hubby Drogo, her brother Viserys and the man she wished she'd married instead, Jorah.

Dany smiled to herself.

"He's so handsome," she said, clicking on his profile picture. She remembered the day she took it, wishing it would never end. But her sudden calm was short-lived.

"By the Gods," she muttered. "Not this again!"

Her brother Viserys had poked her, as he ALWAYS did, every single day since he got his damned Facebook. She preferred to ignore him, but he got all pouty and upset when she did so.

Meanwhile, in the tent next to hers, Viserys was logged into his Facebook too. He anxiously awaited his sister's poke.

Sighing, Daenerys clicked the "Poke Viserys" button and to her expected dismay, he poked her right back. She decided to ignore him this time, but Viserys knew she was still online because he saw her status update:

_Feeling tired and sore. I know I am a Khaleesi, so why do I feel like little more than a Dothraki whore?_

Almost immediately, a response comment popped up on the screen.

_Please do not speak of yourself in such a manner, Khaleesi. You are a vibrant and radiant woman, and we are all very lucky to have you with us._

She "liked" Jorah's comment.

It made Dany smile but over in her brother's tent, Viserys was fuming about being ignored. He was a very needy older brother, sometimes…and true to form, when he wasn't getting enough attention, he barged into Dany's tent.

"What are you doing here?" Daenerys gasped.

"Why haven't you poked me back yet, Dany? I know you're still online," Viserys complained.

"Piss off brother, I've been poked all day by my husband. The last thing I care to do is enter into a poking war with the likes of YOU right now!"

Viserys laughed at her boldness. She didn't usually stand up to him like this.

"Well well, you're a feisty little minx tonight, aren't you, sweet sister?" He approached her with intent to do some _actual_ poking.

Daenerys signed for what seemed like the thousandth time that day.

"I'm tired, Viserys. I'm not in the mood for these games tonight, so please go away."

"But I miss you," he argued, laying next to her for a moment. "I can't have that smelly old oaf soiling you with his dirty seed, now can I? Not when you belong to _me_."

He reached a hand toward her but she caught it.

"But I don't belong to you, not any longer. How can you speak of keeping Targaryen bloodlines pure when _you sold me to become Khal Drogo's wife?_ Did you not expect him to curse - I mean bless me with child?_"_

She had a point.

"Perhaps I made a mistake," he admitted. Dany raised her eyebrows in surprise.

"I think that's the first time I've ever heard you say that before."

Viserys smiled a devious little smile. "And you can probably expect it to be the last. Now, poke me back and I shall leave you alone for tonight."

Dany looked into his eyes. "Do I have your word?"

"Cross my heart and hope to be king," he said, drawing a heart-shaped circle on his chest with his fingers.

"All right." She let him watch the screen for proof.

_You have poked Viserys Targaryen._

An excited gleam twinkled in his eye, and he hopped back to his feet in no time.

"Thanks, Dany." He kissed the top of her still-sandy head, spitting out the grains and looking confused. She shooed him away before he could ask anything, and he rushed back to his tent to check his Facebook page.

Daenerys had just finished looking through her notifications and was about to log out for the night when, as predicted, one more popped up.

_Viserys Targaryen has poked you._

She closed her computer screen and went to sleep, ignoring the "poke back" button until he harassed her about it tomorrow morning ALL over again.


End file.
